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The friends are all game for the party animal to come out with them. He will sing, dance, be the clown and the entertainment until it gets a bit too much. Then the joke falls on her when you are about to be thrown out of a restaurant, or you are the butt end of the joke. Going out with him sets anxiety. The alcoholic always has a nice way of convincing and asking permission to drink, if you do point out things are going out of hand. You get pulled into it without knowing how to say no. You just don't have the guts to say no. I first numbed this by resorting to drinking, and I realized I couldn't keep up and frankly, the hangover the next day was not worth it.

Women friends more or less point it out and say you need to stop drinking. Men don't say to men they need to stop. Instead, they take the wife aside and tell her you know he is drinking too much, you need to watch it. Next weekend again the invites go out and so it goes on.

The standard story of three different families I heard is the man of the house went into depression because of work, and he is drinking. As if that is a good enough excuse for you to become alcoholic. In two of the cases, the women support the house by going to work. No peace of mind.

What happens to the kids brought up in this kind of home environment? They go to both extreme ends of the spectrum. They turn out to be total teetotalers who abhor drinking or they hit the bottle twice as much to forget their problems. Very rarely have I seen teenagers or young adults come out balanced.

The Facebook pictures of vacations or the carefully planned dinners are not the real story. The masks of people and what they do hides in so many facets that you would get lost in that puzzle. In the last eight months, I have cried until I could feel my eye sockets completely dry out. I have been diagnosed with depression and been on anti-depressants for a month. When I went for a second opinion and realized I didn't need them, it was like walking away free from prison. Now there is an accusation that I am suffering from a mental breakdown and I have hysteria (I don't know some reason that gives me images from the eighties of people who had depression that was not diagnosed and they used this word in whispers)

I was waiting for someone to come and save me and you know what. No one can save you except yourself. I cannot blame my decisions or my past on others. I have taken responsibility to live this life. People love drama and one out of five people you are talking to will want to see you in the problem.

I read somewhere that "alcoholism is a well-documented pathological reaction to unresolved grief by David Cook" but what about the grief this unleashes into the family who surround the person.

The scream towards stories that men can cook up is louder than for a woman in our society. Maybe I am generalizing because my story has been one of that. So why are you writing this you may ask. Women turn to friends for support. If I didn't have that bunch of people, who are there for me no matter what, I would be broken into small pieces.

To the rest I can only say, listen, don't judge. Not everyone has the entitlement of divorce.

To Be Me
Author: To Be Me
"To Be Me" is a series of biographical articles by an intelligent woman in a predicament she's trying to get out of. Writing is therapeutic for her and we hope it will encourage others like her to speak up.
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