Amuse Bouche

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While taking a stance on politics or social issues is a right, taking a stance on someone else's personal decision making and bashing them for it, is not. And please don't say that you are 'educating' people when a great deal of the time you are at best patronizing, and at worst abusing them.

Top three sickening things that I have heard on FB in the last month:

"Divorce is the easy option"

Let me be clear. There are no 'easy divorces'. It may be easier to actually get a divorce (in terms of process) and there may be divorces that are less complicated than others, but I will bet my left arm that none of them are easy.

In this very forum, I have seen what happens when a woman asks for help with a recommendation of a good divorce lawyer. Some, appropriately attempt to be helpful with names and contact details but still others offer nothing less than sanctimonious memes and quotes about women being the glue that holds the family together, pseudo sage advice about how she should think of her children, or turn to prayer, or bear in patience or better yet recognize that everyone goes through a 'rough patch'.

How absolutely dare you?

How dare you advise a woman to stay, not just advise but emotionally blackmail her! Do you know her? Do you know her husband? Her life? Her struggles? Does he beat her, rape her, humiliate her? Has he made her financially dependent on him? Forced her to shut out family and friends? Is a compulsive cheat? Does he hurt their children? You say that I am talking about worst case scenarios. Very well, maybe he doesn't do any of those things. Maybe he just ignores her, doesn't want her, never speaks to her, maybe he simply never acknowledges the countless ways in which she cares for him or makes his life easy.

Hell, maybe he is an absolute saint and she is just fed up with how wonderful he is.

How do you know whether she has tried everything? Prayer, counseling, porn, intervention, meditation, medication, maybe she has run the gamut.

No matter what, it is still her right, her life, her choice to make. Not yours. And it has not been 'easy'.

When someone asks for help, don't offer them your judgment. In a situation with family or friends, when you know (not think you know, but actually know) what a marriage is like, then feel free to speak of counseling, of endurance or religion and GLUE. But when a woman asks for information and you are basically Jon Snow? Then unless you can provide said information, keep your mouth shut and your fingers away from the keyboard.

"It's a little early for that miscarriage to be truly significant"

Have you had a miscarriage? I have. I was less than six weeks pregnant but the thought of that baby is always there. It's been years, but it still hurts, I still wish it hadn't happened, I still wonder why it did.

I know many women who have miscarried. Some early, some at an advanced stage of their pregnancies, some multiple times. There is nothing worse than the loss of a child. The longer you have known and loved that child, the worse it is. So yes, an early miscarriage does not compare to the loss of a child that has been with you in this life, it does not compare at all. It also doesn't compare to a still birth. But it is NOT insignificant.

The earlier you are in your pregnancy the less the time invested, the less the belief and hope placed, the less chance that the pregnancy has changed your life, so yes, logically, the impact of loss is less. But it is never insignificant.

Please don't tell people how to feel, or present them with what you consider an appropriate measure for their grief and sense of loss.

"Women find it convenient to have abortions"

There are no convenient abortions. And I don't just mean that it's complicated if not near impossible to get one legitimately (unless dire circumstances call for it). When it comes to sex and contraception other things are convenient – a well placed IUD, an alarm on your phone that reminds you to take the pill, a smart man who carries condoms....but an abortion? No way. An abortion is the high pressure, high stakes, 'I have run out of options' option. There isn't a woman alive who has had one and then 'conveniently' forgotten about it.

I am very very pro choice. But would I have an abortion myself? Probably not. I don't think I could bear to. That doesn't make me right or brave or selfless or good. That just means that I have options. I have resources. I could manage it. It would be tough but it wouldn't derail my life, or more importantly the life of my other child. I know that within myself I have what it takes to provide a baby with everything, and most importantly I can love and prioritize that child. I am very lucky. There are millions of women who cannot say the same.

Women can choose adoption instead? Yes they could. But there are countless women who not only cannot afford a baby, but cannot afford a pregnancy, in any sense of the word 'afford'. So adoption isn't the broad spectrum solution.

Easy divorces, insignificant miscarriages, convenient abortions.

Oxymorons from morons.

Have I taken it all too personally? In judging those who judge, am I no different from them? Maybe.

Or maybe there are just a lot of ass hats on my 'friends' list.

Either way, time for a break.

Bouche out.

Amuse Bouche
Author: Amuse Bouche

Amuse Bouche is our new blogger. She will write about ANYTHING that amuses her. We hope to get some good discussions going...

Watch this Space every Friday - till she gets fed up!

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