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There have also been cons – I am out of touch, with the people I know, and the world in general. I am cut off from the organizations I support and can no longer help by contributing 'shares' and 'likes' that may prove beneficial.

Also, everyone in my life is beginning to look at me with something akin to dread. True, at first, my nearest and dearest were encouraging, but it didn't take them long to feel the disadvantages of the situation.

My sisters are terrified that my exit from FB will leave me clueless about what's happening in the world. Both of them have started sharing links to articles they absolutely think I must read on our sibling WhatsApp group. The only thing vaguely amusing about this is the diversity of what is shared.

Coq Au Vin sends earth quake and tsunami news, details of political upheavals in America and every holiday commercial she can find, the latter are generally accompanied by sad face emojis.

Macaron has shared every single link on 'Fantastic beasts and where to find them', the cauliflower and potato recipes she wants to try for Christmas lunch, and for reason best known to herself a fully illustrated article on the 36 sex positions you have to try before you die.

We also have conversations that go as follows:

Macaron: You missed this EPIC thread on the Expats furniture page today

Me: Such threads are why I found it necessary to take this break in the first place

Macaron: Pompous wretch. So you don't want to know what it was about?

Me: Not in the least

Sigh. I am SUCH a liar.

Trou is suffering from that which the only child dreads the most - the undivided attention of his parent.

Me: No more phone at the breakfast table please. Let's talk. Tell me about your plans for the day. Use words of more than one syllable.

Trou: (Groans like a vulture is eating his liver)

Me: You also need to show me the pictures from your last community service excursion

Trou: I posted them on FB – I tagged you

Me: But I am not ON FB Trou

Trou: (groans again, clearly the vulture has moved on to other organs)


Even Foie Gras can't resist getting in on the act.

Foie: So, off FB I see?

Me: (incredulous) You noticed?

Foie: Absolutely. Posted my latest holiday pics and there wasn't even one snide comment from you about my new Speedos. It was very disappointing.

Me: You and your new Speedos are one of the reasons I left FB in the first place

Score? Quick thinking Bouche : 1 Speedo wearing ex husband : 0

I find myself having lots more IRL conversations with people. I even agree to more social engagements. These decisions prove to have both positive and negative results since while some encounters remind me that I really need to prioritize certain neglected relationships, others remind me that in real life, you can't just log out of a conversational thread, you have to keep going, even as it gets terminally inane.

Another positive is that not having FB around has made me more efficient work wise. Unable to couple my innumerable mid work coffee breaks with FB, I now soldier on and finish working quicker. This has left me with considerably more time on my hands, a fact which has resulted in a fair amount of cupboard cleaning and sorting, much to the annoyance of my Faithful Help (FH) at home.

Faithful help: Madam I cleaned that cupboard yesterday

Me: Yes but I wanted to arrange it like this, see....now it's all colour coded

FH: Yes madam. But you have put the dog's towels with Trou baba's sports towels

Me: Oh. Sorry.

FH: I heard Madam's phone ringing today no?

Me: Yes. Why?

FH: No no I am just saying, all these days I thought it must be broken...

I have the grace to blush.

The Man isn't getting away lightly either. I really had not absorbed how much time we spend companionably browsing on our respective phones.

But boy do I notice now! The first few days I pull out my Kindle or listen to music with my headphones on. But (unreasonably but typically) I start feeling rather neglected.

I try staring meaningfully at him, I sigh several times, then I begin pottering around and opening every drawer in the room, when none of this elicits so much as a glance, I go over and start playing with his record and CD collection. This rings an alarm bell and he looks at me anxiously, but seeing that I am not in fact a) messing with his alphabetical, chronological, arrangements or b) putting the wrong thing in the wrong sleeve, he goes back to his phone.

I idly WhatsApp him Macaron's helpful list of 36 sex positions. This gets his attention.

Score? Creative, flexible Bouche : 1 Brand new Iphone 7 : 0

Still. There is a limit to how many times sexual wiles should be used to keep a man away from social media, right? I mean ones' dignity hurts (not to mention certain muscles that had no idea what hit them after position #10. Oh go on then, YOU try it)

A few days later I decide that the time for subtlety has come to an end.

Me: Please put that phone down and talk to me

The Man: But this is my time for catching up on stuff. Just give me 10 minutes babe

Me: You spend the whole week talking about how much you miss me and then stare at that damn screen all evening

He gives me a long look. I pout.

He sighs. He then goes over to his wallet and my handbag. He hands me my Kindle and his credit card.

Me: What are you doing?

The Man: Browse books. Buy books. Read books. It's on me.

Me: What am I some recalcitrant teenager? You think you can buy me off? With books?!?!

The Man: Are you saying I can't?

Grumble grumble grumble!

I really really really want to teach him a lesson.

So I buy 3 trilogies.

That'll show him.

Humph!

Amuse Bouche
Author: Amuse Bouche

Amuse Bouche is our new blogger. She will write about ANYTHING that amuses her. We hope to get some good discussions going...

Watch this Space every Friday - till she gets fed up!

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